By Erin Chen of Lila Sutra
“I miss the passion we had.” This is a common sentiment among new parents who feel like the fire that they once had for one another has dimmed postpartum. And without addressing it, time flies and it’s a few years into parenthood and your bedroom action has turned into something that is routine and lacklustre, lacking the passion it once had.
Don’t let that happen to your relationship with your partner and use these tips to reconnect with your better half on an intimate level once again.
1. Don’t stress if things aren’t going well, you aren’t alone
As the topic of postpartum sex is rarely discussed, it’s possible to have unrealistic and unhelpful expectations of how sex should and will be like after parenthood. The reality is that not many women resume having sex at the infamous six weeks mark and studies have shown that only 50 per cent of women who said they were very satisfied with sex before pregnancy remained so 12 months after the baby was born.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise. If you get a serious sports injury, it is unlikely that you will be able play the same way you did before until you have confidence that you’ve fully healed. Giving birth is no different, especially considering the hormonal changes in a woman, which could affect libido and vaginal dryness, sleep depravity for both parents, and overall life changing adjustments.
Instead of having keeping quiet, communicate with your partner and work towards making it better for both of you.
2. Accept that things are different
Sex is never the same again after parenthood. That is a fact. It doesn’t mean sex will be worse; it will just be different.
Even without pregnancy and parenthood, we are always changing. What turned you and your partner on previously may not continue to be a turn on, as your body routines and desires change over time. However, this isn’t always a negative as there are women who experience a sexual renaissance after having kids!
So instead of longing for things to go back to how they were, accept that there is no going back and instead start with a clean slate and rediscover one another to create an amazing sex life!
3. Great sex takes trial and error
Think of your bedroom as a laboratory where you experiment, discover and explore new things. Even though not everything will work, you will definitely find some things that will make you feel good.
Though many believe that sex culminates in a penis penetrating a vagina, sex can be much more than that, with many other types of activities that you can try. For example, if you are easing into sex after pregnancy, try sensate focus exercises as a way to build intimacy and reconnect with pleasure.
So if you think you are hitting a rut, try something new to relight the fire you have for one another. There’ll always be something fresh that you discover.
4. Use your imagination
Though people often ask for ways to spice things up, I believe that you are are the real expert when it comes to what turns you on.
Start from your fantasies and pay attention to what actually turns you on. Was it the feeling of suspense? Was it feeling in control? Was it a mix of being vulnerable and feeling desired? The more precisely you can nail down what aroused you in your fantasy, the better you and your partner can think of ways to recreate that. If you like suspense, perhaps introducing blindfolds into the bedroom may turn up the heat. If feeling desired is your thing, tie him down and flaunt your body in front of him and watch his eyes devour you.
The point of fantasies isn’t always to recreate them exactly as you imagine. Instead it clues you in on what turns our biggest sex organ, the brain, on.
5. Don’t forget to love yourself
After pregnancy, it may take some time before you feel like you are yourself again, both in terms of body and soul. So remember to take time to pamper yourself. All it takes is something as simple as spending a few more minutes to sensually put lotion on after a shower. It may feel silly at first, but taking extra care for a few moments regularly can make a difference.
Our ability to accept and experience pleasure isn’t just contained to the bedroom and when we are able to create pleasurable experiences for ourselves, we open ourselves to more pleasure overall, making for a better bedroom experience.
So light candle while you open the bills. Spritz on perfume for the day. Sneak out for a yoga session. Find ways to treat yourself to some pleasure throughout your day.
Erin Chen is the founder and chief maven of Lila Sutra, a sexual wellness company that promotes dialogue around healthy, happy and sexy living for adults.
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